the black man has no name! THE BLACK MAN HAS NO NAME!

white people are in trouble! oh no! call....

THE HAITIAN

wait, what?

you know, for as far as entertainment has come, sometimes it's just appallingly behind the curve. i'm sorry to say, nbc's hit supernatural drama heroes is a grade a example of what happens when staff writers become a bit negligent of 200 YEARS OF STEREOTYPES!

let's explore:

for those of you who are not familiar with the show (under a rock much?), heroes is an ensemble drama about people with special abilities living in secret (for the most part) while trying to avoid baddies - the government, creepy siblings and parents, villains (naturally), etc. most are given run-of-the-mill powers: flying, telepathy, super speed...nothing marvel hasn't done to death. however, our man of the hour here (see above, looking all pensive and sexy) is a bit of a wet blanket for the supernaturally inclined. if you're used to defying the time-space continuum with your fancy time traveling powers, standing within 20 feet of the haitian (henceforth known as THE HAITIAN. he's getting his due respect in CAPS, bitches.) will keep you in the present moment. the plug is pulled on your power, like that.

it's no surprise then, that THE HAITIAN would come in handy when dealing with, say, a sociopath intent on murdering you with his thoughts. i'd like to keep THE HAITIAN close, too. however, these white people (former employers, still proving very needy) keep telling him where to be and what to do. nevermind the fact that he quit "the company" two years ago. nevermind the fact that he really didn't have a choice about taking that job in the first place ("work with us, or we ruin your life"). this man has been doing their bidding for at least two decades, and they can't be bothered to CALL HIM BY HIS NAME?! in fact, after four years of broadcasting, we only learned his name LAST WEEK (it's Rene, by the way). maybe someone in the writer's room finally clued in to the fact that when you put a nearly silent black man (he didn't utter a word until halfway through the first season) on the screen who exists only to take orders from the bourgeois...you're only a hop skip and a jump away from some of these famous predecessors.

mammy

a black person to cure all them white folks' problems. it doesn't matter whether youse having a baby or are being threatened by some telekinetic freak, if you got a mammy you'll be fat and happy soon.

sambo

you know, just the other day, i saw THE HAITIAN lounging under a tree taming some wild animals and i thought, "you know what that man needs? A JOB." so i put him to work for some secretive, ethically dubious corporation. he hasn't had a day off since.

the magical negro

he's black. he makes magical things happen. you know, cause when you're from the deep forests of some primal nation, that sorta stuff just comes easy to you.

UPDATE: honorable mention to tv's other favorite semi-silent, magical negro of recent years, mr. ___ eko. not like we know his first name either.

a sensitive aside: Jimmy Jean-Louis, the actor who portrays RENE, is actually Haitian. now didn't that just get all meta for you?