in tv land...everyone is qualified to be a guidance counselor

for all intents and purposes, i'm in a committed relationship with my television. i see it regularly. rearrange existing dates to accommodate its schedule. spend the morning after thinking "i wonder what he meant when he said that last night." etc. etc. the same is true for the little people inside the box. after all the hours i spend with them, through the good and bad, i want the best for them. so, of course, i'm happy when they succeed, regardless of the circumstances. but i can only make certain concessions to a point. i realize going around poking holes in the logic of a fictional world is really a waste of time...but somebody must. right?

as an aspiring librarian, the question i hate the most (yet, have to answer with an alarming frequency) is "oh, you have to go to school for that?". if i, lowly custodian of rare volumes, have to spend 2 years and thousands of dollars learning how to handle the goods, shouldn't someone charged with handling the education and mental health of minors be required to sit in on a night class or two?

so, gentle readers, let us now take this moment to acknowledge the absurdity of "the tv guidance counselor".

according to some fancy pants national association, the minimum amount of training a person must endure is a Masters degree in either Psychology or Education and a 240 on the "152 TExES School Counselor Exam". out of a possible 300. maybe more depending on your state. so, the next time your favorite tv show nominates the town wacko to tell Cast Member A to "pick a safety", i want to see that the props department has done the same for our star.

K.I.T. : a look at the greats


Emma Pillsbury

she wears sweater sets. she's afraid of germs. you win some, you lose some, right? far be it for me to accuse her of being anything other than fastidious (she probably got a gold star in student teaching), but i'm just concerned. her danny tanner-like need for clean must inhibit her ability to dispense relevant advice (does anyone else see the pamphlet behind her desk? "Radon: the silent killer"). also, teenagers are dirty. i think she needs a guidance counselor to help her choose a new career path.


Jeff Rosso

hippie with a heart of gold. this is the man you went to when you wanted some straight talk with a side of reminiscing. he was just as likely to solve your problem as he was to sing you a song. or tell you about his personal conflicts with bullies. or herpes. and, sure, that crosses a line that would make most schools fear lawsuit, but rosso just wouldn't let the man (in this case, a very necessary educational bureaucracy) get him down.



Buffy Summers

Buffy Anne Summers. she saved the world. a lot. apparently that's all the recommendation the administration over at sunny dale high needed before hiring our favorite vampire slayer. now, impending apocalypse aside, i think it's wise to point out that buffy can have some serious, uh, blonde moments. and, if her taste in men is anything to go by, she's not exactly a champion good decision maker. buffy pro's: she'll keep you from dying. buffy con's: attrocious grammar, dropped out of college, may still be suffering from some latent ptsd from that time she was dead. and, oh yeah, a student did actually die on her first day on the job.


Tami Taylor

my biggest problem with friday night lights may very well be that i forget this show is fiction. of course, that may have more to do with my abiding love for one adorable QB1 than with the show's content, but my point remains. all those docu drama angles and that improvised dialogue, it just seems like they are going out of their way to fool me. that said, they blew their verisimilitude to pieces when they promoted tami taylor from mrs. coach to school administrator. i've been told they do things differently in texas, i just wasn't aware that included allowing uncertified nice ladies to coach afterschool sports, advise town bimbos on college apps and rezone school districts. i mean, if that's the case, i may start practicing law in dillon. (my first action: prove that all "saracens" are constitutionaly obligated to marry me at my discretion.)

media studies...of a different kind

extra credit? not quite. just turning a new technological leaf this november.

the posts from jan to may were all about what academia has to say about (cue heralding trumpets) "information technologies". but enough with the book learning. im about to school (and be schooled) you on tv.

for this very special occasion i'd like to regale you with a tune i composed. it's written in the key of "i watch too much tv and am concerned that is stunting the growth of my interpersonal skills." little matty saracen was my muse. please enjoy this in an ironic fashion and try not to pity me too much.

(in the style of jenny lewis)

the aftertaste of lonely

take out for two

except on of them is you

tv lights flicker

and i am made sicker

by the feeling

of being

alone

her love isn't so provisional

it's just mine that's televisional

and, oh, i should get out more

but i know i'm such a bore

the real world

dont treat me

so well

(catchy blue grass hook here)

chorus:

do you think there are others

with two dimensional lovers

and those

they would consider

friends

is it fine to feel so homey

instead of just only

creating plots

as means

to my own ends

but i'll have one more sip

and i swear i will quit

this relationship

i've built in my head

i need a new flavor

one i can savor

i'm sick of just only

this aftertaste of lonely

if there's one thing the internet has been missing, it's my opinion. so, let's begin.